I wrote for you, darling. I wrote this for you.
sounds are like signals
long practised in wars,
warnings of dangers and imminent foes.
I stand by your side
as words give me warnings,
your lips conceiving songs as
preludes to battles.
trained as we are
I stubbornly stand,
refusing to battle at the sound of your voice.
but it's all in the chimes
all in the pitches,
with each whisper
enemies draw nearer.
refusing to defend,
unwilling to prepare
your forces are lions
to my sleeping doe.
with each growl limbs are shaken,
soon carnage is upon us.
your words still echoing
in my disembodied ears,
notes of caution and retreat,
signs I should have read.
but against your voice I'm helpless,
no matter my trainings,
against you there's no armour,
only inevitable warrings.
Lately I've gone wandering and wondering at this world.
I ate waffles in Brussels and watched leaves falling.
I keep trying to understand, trying to reach the point of it all and then wondering if there isn't one at all.
I want to say that I wish my life was normal, but you see, I know better. This isn't normality I crave, it is a formulated lifestyle that I have been led to believe is "normal."
But, it's no more normal that purple hair or neon pink eyes. You will find it if you search well, but you cannot spend your life waiting for it (and after all, purple hair and neon pink eyes don't suit everyone).
It is a first world, industrialised, western countries's creation, made to give us something stable to strive for. Something stable to stand behind, for parents to point to and lost children to grasp onto.
But I am here to tell you it is false. It is but formulated fog. You are not bound to it. You do not succeed by completing it. You do not fail by straying from it.
Yet it is so ingrained within us, children of a the western, industrialised first world, that we find ourselves panicking when life holds surprises and film scripts suddenly seem alien. We find ourselves hesitant and racked by internal debate when our life's steps wander dangerously from staged adverts and airbrushed dreams.
I am here to tell you, there is nothing wrong with you.
There is no right answer to living.
We like to believe our lives are a question, meaning there must be only one correct answer.
But your life is not a standardised test, where even free responses must be rigidly formatted and check-lists crossed off.
No, we are not questions waiting to be answered. The truth is, we know exactly why we are alive. From a purely evolutionary standpoint, we are alive because we have survived and instinctively, it is in our nature, as animals, to procreate and fight to live so as to pass on our genes and our knowledge.
But of course there is so much more to life. Of course there is. Of course.
My point is, we are here because of evolution, what we choose to do with our time here is up to you.
There is no right way to go about living. There are morals and there are consciences and there is respect and consideration for others, but there are no steps to follow that will lead you to old age and peaceful retrospection.
We have been led to believe that we must follow paths set out for us.
This is false.
Your steps will wander across mine and mine across yours, but we must each feel our way into the future as best we can.
We can listen and learn from those who have gone before, but remember, you are hearing their story, not yours.
Yours will be special, it will have your voice and that tilt that I love in your walk.
Don't worry about those films that end in happily-ever-afters and fade softly into rose-tinted futures.
They are lies. They are pretty lies. But your life is not a lie and your life will not fade into black.
You live today and you feel into the future.
Ignore those gasps and looks of horror and disgust as you lay the stone of your own path onto uncharted grounds.
They are frightened of novelty. They are living someone else's life.
Your days will be full of wonder and your heart half full of pain.
This is your life you are living, it is not worth compromising .
|the whole tree was full of little green chirping parrots!|
All photographs by me, taken in Brussels, Belgium and Den Haag, The Netherlands, November 2013